Seeing Me Smile

By Ronald Fountain

Chapter 9

It was late in the evening on a hot summer night when Deborah Kay Savage entered Maryland General Hospital. Through the confusion she shouts, “I am not due until August!” The doctors rush around to stabilize her. The nurses urge her not to go to sleep.  At 6:50 in the morning, after hours of pain, she hears the nurse shout “It’s time!” and she pushes out a four pound, eight ounce premature boy.  She is happy and relieved that the experience has ended and desires a drink.  The doctors give her a sedative and tell her to get some sleep. Then they get to work on saving the newborn’s life. Three days later, Deborah walks out of the hospital, in search of alcohol.

Imagine the house that never sleeps and an endless drinking fountain.

The next years are strange and mysterious as my grandmother, Fannie, takes on the role of my mother.  I call her Mom.  And I still do.  I’m told that Deborah is my sister. Debbie agrees to watch the baby while Fannie is at work. She promises not to drink.  Ronnie, my father, promises to slow down on the drugs.  “Party time is over,” she tells the two of them.  But after putting in long hours, Fannie comes home to find baby Ronald starving in bars or crying in cars.  Fannie spoils me and always tells me I’m unique. Birthdays are a celebration of happiness. Debbie is prone to be there and always consistent with making a scene.  I don’t understand all that is happening around me. My family’s biggest concern seems to be seeing me smile.

My days are spent with Debbie and her father, Grandpa Reese. My evenings are with Fannie. Each day I go from the chaotic and untouchable back to the calm and collected. Grandpa’s house is always full with plenty of drinks to go around. Imagine the house that never sleeps and an endless drinking fountain. When I meet people at Grandpa’s house, instead of saying Mr. or Mrs., I’m told to use family titles like aunt, uncle or cousin. I am never really certain who’s who or even who’s in the house until a big fight breaks out.

My days become shallow and more secluded, as I wander about in my future. I play in the backyard with my white poodle. The dog is really my closest friend at the time. Then one day I’m denied access to the outside. They tell me the dog’s run away. A sudden emptiness comes over me as I stare out the window.  It’s a clear day, but in my heart it’s raining. Later I would discover that my dog was poisoned.

We move to an apartment across town, and I isolate. I take on the personality of curiosity. A lady named Garrison and a man named William become my part-time caretakers.   When Garrison watches me she brings Quinton, her grandson. One day when we decide to creep into the living room and try something. We lie down like we was sleeping. Then we begin to touch each other and explore our bodies. The tension is high but we press on.  We explore below the sea and taste the forbidden. The game is “Whatever I do you must do it too.” We touch each other’s private parts and rump shakers.  Then we put each other’s toes in our mouths. When we hear Garrison we quickly restore our clothes and continue to fake sleep. Neither of us has the guts to do it again. I feel ashamed and embarrassed when I get picked up that afternoon. I don’t say a word and I don't know why, but I know I am determined to keep a secret good. In the days that follow, I dream of being married with kids, but deep inside me there is another desire.

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